The Spark within you
Well this is a first, I never thought I would be here writing a blog. I also never thought I would be in a position that people would actually want to read or hear what I have to say! I want to spread the light. I want to spread what I know, what I feel, what I think, so maybe I can inspire others. I want to help, I want to be a messenger. I am so, so , so, lucky to be able to be that everyday for people. I am sooooo lucky to be able to provide a space for healing in my office. Now I want to make a step and do that here as well, on this platform. I also want to share that even though I am a great therapist today, there was a time when I was so unhealthy that I would have been of no good to anyone. There was a time when I was so broken, and didn’t have any confidence to even think of who I was to become. Back then, I would have never thought I would be where I am today.
Most likely, anyone who meets me today would not think that I was sexually abused by a family member when I was young. No one would know the confusion I felt in loving someone who hurt me, No one would have ever thought I lost a finger in an accident caused by the person who sexually abused me, being bullied and harassed in school because I was not like everyone else. No one would have thought that my childhood was lonely, fearful, and sad. I was confused, and lost. I acted out as I got older, I didn’t know if I ever was doing anything right. I felt so broken, but I didn’t know why at the time. At home I was quiet, in a storm of emotions. I was unnoticed. My pain went unnoticed for so long. My parents didn’t see, were unaware, and unable to see past their own pain to even deal with mine. I had little friends to take notice. I was lost.
Childhood didn’t prepare me to be an adult, and no one taught me worthiness. I kept my pain inside as a child, and in young adulthood I was a total self fulling prophecy. My biggest fear was not being worthy. My actions and behavior were making me feel a total lack of worth. I was inflicting pain onto me, not knowing any other way. My worth was non existent, my shame ate at me, and I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was to save my life.
And here I am. Today I can say that I married a man that will protect me in and out. Today I can say I have two children that love me to pieces, and I know that that’s worth something. Today my mother and father can tell me that they are proud of me, and who I have become. I can create and set boundaries with my parents. I forgive my abuser. I can see my value and worth into everything I put into. I have a successful business that I have created from the ground up. I can experience joy without drinking my life away. I can meet new people and know that if they don’t like me that that’s ok.
Do I continue to struggle? Of course, I am human. Do I have setbacks? Of course, relapse is part of recovery. There is no perfection in this world. But I can say…
I have the confidence to continue to create the life I want, and not fall victim to the things that happen to me. I have created the love that I never got. I have created it within myself which reflects in my outside world. And I will continue to create..
I could say years of therapy saved me. But in that therapy office, I could have lied, I could have not accepted my part in my behavior, I could have blamed, I could have sat in my judgements, and shame. But instead, in that therapy room I chose to unveil myself. I chose to trust someone with my secrets. I chose to accept the help and the hard work. And I CHOOSE to save my self every day. I chose then that I wanted different. I chose to work thought my shit. I chose the high way, not to blame, not to be a victim to my circumstance. I chose to forgive, and to let go. I chose to see my trials as growth for me, I honor my path, and have learned so many lessons in all of it. I chose to take my pain and turn it into something good. I chose health, to take control over my thoughts and actions. I choose to grow everyday, so that I can continue to help others, to help you.
I choose to accept the gifts that God gave me, which are my trials that have led me here. I choose God. I choose to accept that he has given me all of these lessons, and I know in my heart that it is to spread his love and light to the world. I know this deep in my heart. I know that I am his, and I choose to serve him with what he has given me. I choose forgiveness everyday, I choose resilience, and I choose to trust myself and my intuition.
And now I choose to help others. I choose the gift that I was given to help you see that you don’t have to live in your shadow. That you can also choose, that you don’t have to suffer any longer. I want to tell you that you aren’t alone. You can rise above the pain, and live a great life. I want you to see your purpose, and look at the possibility of questioning why your pain is showing up and questioning its purpose. What is it trying to tell you? I know that there is bravery in that. I know that it’s hard, but I also know that you can do it. What you cannot do is do it alone. We all need help, connection, love, strength, encouragement. We can’t do that by ourselves. We need each other. We need a community of people to help us, and to love us.
May you find your spark, may you ignite it with love and compassion for yourself. May you find the strength to work at it. Listen to your voice, the one that speaks in the quiet. It will tell you what you need. You can live the life you want, I hope this inspires you!
Peace, love, and light – Jamie K